Even Shaughnessy

Even Dan Shaughnessy can't say 'humbug' to this one. His column today (an open letter to Dice-K) is good for a few laughs:

Be wary of a large teammate with a blond mullet wearing No. 38. He will explain that he is a spokesman for all of the other players and instruct you on everything from tipping the clubhouse kids to throwing the splitter. He will show you his copious notes on all major league umpires. He will tell you which media members to trust and which ones are snakes. He will also urge you to vote republican.

You will be impressed with your new catcher. Japanese ballplayers traditionally work harder and put in longer days than American players. You will appreciate the work ethic of Jason Varitek. He will be the best catcher you’ve ever had. Do everything he says. He will not tell you how to vote...

Do not be surprised or insulted when a Spanish-speaking playing wearing No. 24 greets you at spring training with, ‘‘Hey, who are you? When did we get you? Were you in Pawtucket last year? I love playing in Pawtucket.’’ This man will turn out to be the best hitter you have ever seen.

If you don’t want to learn English, we understand. In fact, it might not be a bad strategy. All you really need is one stock answer. Try ‘‘It is what it is.’’ You will be amazed how well that works.